The Final Interview – Peter Culley – 29th

Life is full of surprises as they say. And they are right. Just when you thought everything was under control and running smoothly, life has a nasty habit of throwing a spanner into the works. There is very little that can be done about it. You just have to go with the flow and take it on the chin. After the usual spell in hospital following my diagnosis, I have a vague recollection of the trolley trip to the operating theatre followed by a very hazy memory of the anaesthetic taking hold and the resultant oblivion. My next memory surfaced slowly as I became vaguely aware of the inevitable litany practised by our nurses at every opportunity during the daily ward routine (ie blood pressure tests, temperature checks, morning and/or evening pill dispensing, et.) as follows: “Name and date of birth?” So far, so good. The answers were readily available due to the oh-so-numerous occasions I have been asked to supply them. But then a lingering doubt assailed me. The words conveying the request were not couched in the familiar dulcet tones of our female carers but were spoken in a deeper, and quite obviously, masculine voice.. Intrigued, I slowly opened my eyes and perceived before me an elderly gentleman sporting a luxuriant beard and attired in a full length robe. He also held what appeared to be a clipboard in his hand. Perhaps he was an octogenarian doctor called back out of retirement to assist with current NHS staff shortages, or there again, perhaps the operation had overrun and it was now 1st April! It was only when the mists cleared and I was able to see the large (closed) iron gates behind this august personage that the penny dropped very slowly and I realized in the words of the old song that “”Fings Ain’t What They Used to Be” Give credit where its due though. I rallied and replied with both name and date of birth, adding for good measure. “593224 29th Entry” to which he responded with a sigh, “Oh. You’re one of those are you?” Not the most promising introduction on record I admit, but there you go. He made a brief note on his clipboard and my interrogation continued as follows: St Peter: “What makes you think you qualify for entry into Heaven?. Me: “Well, I’ve led a pretty good life all things considered, paid me taxes and kept mostly on the straight and narrow.” St Peter: “That’s as maybe. But do you truly repent all your sins?” Me: “Well, yes, at least most of them.” St Peter: “What do you mean, ‘most of them’? You either do or you don’t. You can’t be just a bit pregnant you know, its all or nothing.” Me: “Well, to be honest without naming names one or two of them were quite enjoyable. I could, of course, claim that I actually repent them when I don’t, but that would be hypocritical, and isn’t that itself a sin?” St Peter: “A bloody barrack room lawyer, that’s all we need. Are you familiar with the Ten Commandments?” Mr: “Some of them, maybe. Not all.” St Peter: “Convince me.” Me: “Number 6 says we should not murder. Although I’ve often been tempted (with good reasons I assure you) I have never yet murdered anyone even though the thought has crossed my mind, usually during Political broadcasts on TV.” St Peter: “On the whole, quite understandable. What about Number 7 and adultery?” Me: “With respect, I plead the Fifth Amendment.” St Peter: “You can’t. You’re not American. How about |Number 4, remembering the Sabbath?” Me: “Don’t remind me. I spent my early days in Scotland where you weren’t even allowed to whistle on a Sunday. And it was the dullest and most boring day of the whole week.” St Peter: “I have to say at this point you’re not doing yourself any favours if you’re hoping for entry.” Me: “I’m glad you mentioned that. I’ve been wondering just what are the perks of membership in Paradise? Putting it bluntly, how do the inmates pass the time?” St Peter: “The emphasis is on peace and .tranquillity, with a hefty dose of religious observance thrown in for good measure. No mobile phones or internet access, and definitely no alcohol or sexual shenanigans. Lights out at 10 pm sharp. It goes without saying that the Ten Commandments are an essential part of our House Rules.” Me: “And that’s it for Eternity? Blimey, I thought earth was bad enough. Tell you what, just let me know where my mates have gone. What happened to Ben, Ron, George, Alan and Harry?” St Peter: “I regret to inform you that they have relocated to the Other Place and do not reside here.” Me: “Great. Just point me in the right direction and I’ll be on my way. With luck I’ll just be in time for last orders!”