From Russia With Love

To: General A Belladonovich KGB Headquarters The Kremlin, Moscow

Subject: REPATRIATION OF AGENT

Comrade General,
I have the honour to report the return to Mother Russia of a long-serving Agent previously domiciled in Great Britain. The Agent in question – Pyotr Culleyski – (Code Name SCRIBBLER) has served the Soviet Union for many years but has recently begun to feel himself under increasing scrutiny from elements of the British MI5, leading our Agent to fear that he was about to “have his collar felt.” This prompted him to activate our exfiltration procedure and he subsequently arrived back at this office last week.
Agent SCRIBBLER was never a significant high-flyer in our organisation, nor was he the supplier of top quality intelligence such as that provided by Kim Philby, Donald McClean, or Guy Burgess, who benefitted so obviously from their privileged background to serve in the upper echelons of British Intelligence.
By contrast, Agent SCRIBBLER was recruited while at Secondary Modern School and encouraged by his handler to enlist in the RAF which he did in 1956. It is only as a result of his regular reports that the KGB became fully aware of the true nature of the unit known as AATS located at RAF Credenhill which masqueraded for the benefit of the British public as a training centre for Apprentice administrators.
In reality the unit was in fact a secret Code and Cypher training establishment offering courses in various skills required by would-be Agents. These included practical tuition on Enigma coding machines (disguised as antiquated typewriters); exhaustive training in top secret codes and the use of one-time pads, etc.(under the guise of learning Pitman’s Shorthand); and a demanding Escape and Evasion programme undertaken in the wilds of Wales (euphemistically entitled the D of E course) designed to help agents who might find themselves ‘on the run’ in hostile territory at some time in the future.
In addition, although recruits were largely confined to the confines of the Station for security purposes, they were occasionally permitted to go to the nearby city of Hereford where they practiced such routine skills as avoiding being spotted and followed by their instructors, and successfully using dead letter drops when offloading confidential documents.
Staff at the unit included a number of so-called Education Officers who were in fact political commissars charged with ensuring the continued loyalty and obedience to the Party of this motley crowd of would-be spies. Their loyalty was further tested after hours by the presence of a number of glamourous females who frequented a building known as the NAAFI and whose task it was to engage the recruits in what has become known as a ‘honey-trap’ in the hope that they would reveal secret information whilst in the throes of extreme passion!
Agent SCRIBBLER’s first posting on completion of his training was to RAF Gaydon where he was employed in Station HQ on a variety of routine duties. Accordingly his initial reports to us were devoid of any top grade information (ie such as performance figures relating to the Victor aircraft currently on base) but we were informed of such supplementary data as the monthly consumption of paper-clips and the quality of Cornish Pasties delivered each morning by the NAAFI wagon! We did actually consider cutting our Agent free by reporting his treachery to British counter-intelligence, but wiser counsels prevailed and decided that his contribution might improve exponentially once he was posted overseas. And so it proved.
A full summary of this Agent’s subsequent espionage output on our behalf will follow in a separate envelope shortly General.
For the present it simply remains to be decided how the Motherland should reward his years of service. Unlike the aforementioned Cambridge spies it would seem inappropriate to accord him KGB Colonel’s rank, or provide him with a Moscow flat complete with female companionship and a monthly drinks quota. I look forward to receiving your instructions in due course regarding the future of this superannuated spy, and remain,
Yours Respectively

Lieutenant Colonel B Crouchevski KGB Regional Director East Berlin