It’s a Numbers Game – Pete Culley – 29th

In just over a couple of months I shall ‘celebrate’ reaching my 86th birthday. The world and – in particular – this country is not as I wish it to be but my wife and I manage to stumble along as best we can, with assistance from the NHS. You will deduce from my age that the pleasures of retirement from what is euphemistically called ‘the rat race’ are now an integral part of my daily routine, comprising the duties of a chauffeur; frequent shopping trips; infrequent and half-hearted attempts to control the garden, etc. The word ROUTINE writ large is now a permanent aspect of my life.

One inescapable routine chore I am condemned to repeat each day involves climbing (very slowly) the 13 steps of our staircase which affords access to my bedroom, study and one of our 3 toilets. The recent new Pacemaker helps of course, but speed of ascent is not what it used to be, to the extent that my long-suffering wife has suggested installing a stairlift. I have so far opposed this notion. For a start my impression is that it would be no quicker (though it would allow me to admire the wallpaper during my progress). There is, however, a further reason behind my decision which I will make clear later in this article.
Each time I go up I mentally count the 13 steps involved which got me thinking about the power of such numbering on our everyday lives. For example certain combinations from history inevitably resonate and stir powerful memories for those of us not already ga-ga. Let me give you a few examples of this phenomena in ascending order.

The Book of Revelations speaks of the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse whose appearance apparently heralds the end of time. These gee-gees actually have names (Conquest, War, Famine and Death) and they are further helpfully distinguished by all being of a different colour. Keep your eyes open.

Moving on. The UN Security Council is comprised of just 5 permanent members (China, France, Russia, the UK, and the USA). An unlikely bunch of bedfellows you might surmise (and that explains a lot) but them’s the cards we have to play with. Possibly the less said about the United Nations the better.

Moving up to number 7 we have two candidates to consider. The first is the 7 Wonders of the Ancient World, though – sadly – only one has survived (The Great Pyramid of Giza) Nevertheless given that it was constructed around 2560 BC there is no denying its claim to longevity. (It is also on my bucket list although I fear this is wishful thinking).

Strangely the other No. 7 comes from the same neck of the woods. I refer to the 7 Pillars of Wisdom, the book by T E Lawrence (you must have seen the film) about his experiences during the Arab Revolt of 1916-1918. I haven’t read it myself, but the soundtrack by Maurice Jarre was spectacular!

Nearing the end now. The 9 Circles of Hell were Dante’s vision of the levels of sin and resulting punishments (ie Lust, Gluttony, Fraud, etc). It is interesting to note that all the circles were concentric. At the back of my mind I seem to recall someone telling me that if we pursue concentric circles you finally vanish up your own posterior! Of course that could have been the warning that Dante wished to convey in the first place.

At the top of the scale I find myself straying into the field of faith and religion. This incorporates the 10 Commandments of course with their emphasis on what you can’t do (bit like the Labour government in that respect) and, lastly the famous Feeding of the 5,000. All done with just 5 loaves and 2 fishes! What a show stopper. Its either a printer’s error or it’s a miracle.

I promised to reveal my second reason for currently refusing a stairlift as the answer to my interminable 13 steps to bed. To do this I must adapt a line from the poet Percy Bysshe Shelley. Quite simply it is this: “If stairlift comes, can coffin be far behind”.